NEVER GO TO A LADY’S HOUSE FOR LUNGULA!

The truth is no good can ever come out of you going to smash a lady in her own house! This is not being a chauvinist or anything, it’s just the bittersweet truth! It’s even more disgusting to think of how after smashing the hell out of her, you’ll have the guts to still use her towels in her bathroom… Ama we ni hit n run haha…, of course not, you have to take a shower after. It doesn’t really matter how close the two of you are, always insist on smashing her at your place. You fail to do so and you let her take the wheel, that’s how you start losing your self-respect.

There is a tonne of reasons why the lady should be the one to go to a man’s house whenever you wanna have lungula. There is nothing like, ‘Oh, no, you know I love you that’s why I want you at my place…’ That’s all bullshit guys! There is no lady who will ever invite you to her place without a hidden agenda. Let me tell you why.

The lady must really hate your place, haha… There is no way she will just suggest you hook up at her place instead of your place, it’s just not normal. If she is honest about it then there must be something that turned her off about your place. Maybe she thinks you live in the ghetto and doesn’t feel secure coming to your place. Or your place is too stuffy and untidy for her to hang out at. Worst of all, she may think her standards are too high for her to stoop that low and get smashed in a bedsitter somewhere in the Eastlando. For example, with my friend Freddie, her girlfriend couldn’t smash at his place because she thought Freddie’s mattress was too thin haha… ‘Sitaki kuumizwa na mbao za kitanda mimi’. You never know, but the moment you see her starting to prefer her place over yours, just know something is not right.

You stop being the man, she starts being the king. If you make it a habit to smash at her place because of reasons only known to you, then you have to be prepared to lose your ego as a man. Such a relationship is doomed since the woman will be the one calling the shots all the time. You can never call her up for a smash because she is the one who decides when she is free to host you at her place.

Once a woman controls lungula, the woman controls everything. It’s not out of the norm for women to control men using sex, just don’t be a victim! Trust you me, you will pay for every minute you spend in that house. Most men fall victims to extortion without realizing they are being extorted. You don’t have to be kidnapped or directly blackmailed for money to be extorted.

It’s those little things that she tells you to do that add up to the huge chunks of money that you will end up spending on her. Women have the tendency to flip the coin on men quite easily, you stop being a lover and become prey within no time. In the beginning, she will pretend that she loves you and she doesn’t mind you crushing at her place until she starts making demands. ‘If you’re coming over kuja na supper!’ ‘Usipokam na nyama sikupei!’ Or they play with your sympathy knowing you’re vulnerable to them, ‘imagine maji imekatwa, so ukikam utashower aje?’ And you end up paying the bill. Long before you know it, you’ll be paying rent, my friend! ‘Ebu imagine landlord amefunga nyumba… sasa ntakupea wapi?’ Nkt, lubbishhh!!! I won’t pay that rent, my dear.

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Lastly, you never know who is paying rent for that house, usijitafutie msiba kaka… Never trust a woman no matter how many times she reassures you that that’s her house. That house belongs to whoever is paying the rent. And may God be with you when the ‘owner’ of the house comes home early! Or else be prepared to sleep underneath the bed naked until the following day! All in all, guys, stop going to these ‘mami’s’ houses. If you don’t have a crib, it doesn’t hurt to borrrow your hommies.

For more information on Sex grab a copy of The Outsyder in The Nairobian every Friday.