The cold ‘nyanduana’ season is coming to an end but unfortunately, I’m not a very happy man. It is quite disappointing that after working your way from a flirtation to an actual sexual experience and even booking an appointment with a sexually busy man like me, you end up delivering a disappointing game. I had quite a number of sexual experiences over this cold season and most ended up very disappointing, let alone embarrassing.
I smashed my three side chicks (actually had a threesome with two of them), my fuliza, my school crush and my girlfriend’s best friend and all of them knew nothing about how to prepare for that ‘D’ appointment. Therefore, girls let me give you tips for that dick appointment and you can either suck it in ama ukae na mama yako!
Sexual satisfaction can only be realized in a conducive environment. Clean and shave that pudesh before going into a man’s house for a dick appointment. Men find it very unattractive when a woman doesn’t know how to take care of her own hygiene. I remember this one time when a woman simply turned me off by her stench. That pudesh was as stinky as carrion, I had to stop and ask her, ‘Girl when was the last time you took a shower?’ Mahanjam ziliisha! Therefore, before you go to a man’s place, make sure you clean your pudesh and shave it ready to be sucked and smashed properly. If you won’t give head, don’t even think of lying on my bed.
If you can’t give head, then I will also smash you on the floor, on top of my dusty carpet. Head must be a part of the foreplay, whereas CJ depends on a number of things. First, you must earn the respect to get a CJ, you don’t just get it on the first day. Your sex game must be worth a CJ. Second, the pudesh must be clean and shaven or else forget it because am not ready to feed in the bush. Lastly, the head game must be as fire as the pleasure am going to smother you with before you get a CJ.
After sex, go Home! I don’t get why most girls like spending the night or two after sex. Having sex with you for a mere three rounds doesn’t mean now you become my wife and start staying at my place. Unless I personally give you an invite to come and sleep over at my place, simply get smashed and go home. In fact, you should even consider it a privilege that I smashed you at my house, I would have otherwise taken you to a hotel room or my friends ‘crib’.
Therefore, respect my house and leave immediately we are done. When you go for a ‘Netflix and Chill’, stop pretending as if you don’t know what took you there, you went there to get smashed, so get on with it. Netflix is only there to provide background noise and confuse nosy neighbours from hearing your lousy moans. Girls shouldn’t pretend they were not trying to get smashed and let you watch almost a full movie waiting for a sex scene before jumping on you.
Then, later on, use it as an excuse, ‘Nilikupea tu juu ya hiyo movie ya Fifty Shades’. Do you know how stupid you often sound? ‘Ulinyanduliwa juu ya movie ya 50 bob?!’ I pity you. Eat before you go for a D appointment, it was a D appointment not a date so stick to the agenda. I don’t know why girls always have to involve food in every situation. When you plan a dick appointment, then that’s it. I don’t have to budget for food or start cooking simply because you’re coming over. Unless you are sleeping over, no food. Last but not least, any evidence left behind is subject to disposal. Any female property left is destined for the dustbin. Don’t even bother asking after that.
For more information on Sex grab a copy of The Outsyder in The Nairobian every Friday.